Do you like it rough? Or would you consider yourself “rough curious”? 

Slutty, rough and tumble sex is a hot topic of conversation amongst both singles and couples alike, says Juliet Allen, leading Australian sexologist, and founder of Yinn. and Pleasure School™. There can be stigma or shame associated with this not-so garden variety of sex and it is not uncommon for men and women to ask for help in working through these feelings and desires. During one-on-one session with her clients, the two questions that come up the most are a) is my desire for rough sex a bad thing? and b) should my partner and I stop having rough sex? 

First of all: what is rough sex? 

“Rough sex can be anything from a spank on the butt, to a light pull of the hair, to being tied up and slapped in the face with a penis, the list goes on,” Allen explains on Episode 37 of The Authentic Sex Podcast. “Rough sex, like any type of sex, includes all sorts of things and it’s up to us as individuals to choose what we do and don’t want to explore.”

Communication is key

The best way to have this type of sex? Consciously and with love. “We should only ever share ourselves and choose to be with someone who we know can be present with us during this style of sex, can respect us and maintain love for us, and who we feel genuinely safe with.” 

Broaching the subject might feel daunting – however, it’s the only way forward. “It can be a little nerve racking asking for what you want, but you may find that your partner is instantly turned on by the idea (you may also find that they freak out and say no). Either way, you have to respect their choice, and congratulate yourself for honouring your desire and requesting that from your lover.” Regardless of the outcome, it’s important to gain your partner’s permission and respect their wishes. 

Carefully embrace the rough and tumble

During sex, the body’s energy can become stagnant, heavy or stuck. One of the fastest ways to stimulate the nervous system and create more energetic ecstasy is by biting, slapping or pinching. Sometimes a little bit of pain – skilfully and lovingly administered, always – can greatly increase pleasure. Use these techniques freely, with real love and careful sensitivity. 

Let’s break the stigma

It’s okay to love sex. It’s okay to love being fucked. It’s okay to embrace the slut inside you. There is no shame in wanting to throw yourself into your deepest desires and explore the full spectrum rough and tumble sex with a partner. Let go of the stigma and allow yourself to just be.


May 25, 2021