Casual sex can be a polarising topic. For some, casual sex can bring up difficult emotions; whereas for others, it’s a one-way ticket to pleasure town.
There are a myriad of reasons for this divide – some of them being religious, traditional and way too complex to unpack in one neatly-wrapped blog post. However, if you find yourself teetering on the edge of a one-night stand, and want to set yourself up for a night of no-strings-attached, orgasmic fun, we can help you lay the right groundwork.
“There is this assumption in our culture that casual sex can’t be fulfilling or one night stands can’t feel empowering,” Juliet Allen, leading Australian sexologist and founder of Yinn.™ says on episode 59 of The Authentic Sex Podcast, “and there’s this generalisation that men want more sex than women and they only want one thing. I think that’s rubbish and that in reality, as humans, we all want really great sex. In the end, we want love and connection.”
You might feel turned off by the idea of a one-night stand after a lacklustre escapade that fell flat. However, Juliet believes that you can have fulfilling casual sex, and one night stand can be empowering, particularly if you’re exploring your sexuality. Wherever you’re at is perfect – here’s how you can make it even better.
“The first point I want to make with casual sex, and this includes one night stands, is boundaries – boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Setting boundaries is so vital and so important to having great sex.”
Lay the groundwork and set the scene for a night (or morning! or afternoon!) of debaucherous fun by speaking to your lover(s) about your sexual wants, needs and desires, along with what is strictly off limits. “An example of a healthy boundary would be that tonight I’m really interested in oral sex, however, I don’t want to have penetrative sex.” Or it could be that, “My boundary is that you can touch my breasts and my body but not my pussy.”
Be clear. Provide detail. Setting boundaries upfront is a way of creating safety for yourself and your lover, and avoiding miscommunication before it comes up.
“Communication is really key. We’re not taught how to communicate effectively as children or as adults. It does take practice to have really great communication – but the more you practice, the better you’ll get at it. And if you’re sleeping with amazing, conscious people, they’ll also be committed to great communication.”
For casual sex and one night stands, communication is of upmost importance. This includes sharing your expectations for the encounter, asking if they’re currently sleeping with anyone else, and divulging your plan for safe sex, which includes clearly communicating that you want to use a condom and when you’d like to put the condom on.
Bring an open heart.
“You don’t have to be in love with someone to feel love,” Juliet shares. “You can still have an open heart and come from a space of love with casual sex.” It’s possible if you do the work and connect with other like-minded conscious beings.
But… how? “Firstly, you set the intention of meeting people and engaging with people who are conscious beings, who are loving and respectful, and who are interested in having open communication, and interested in talking about boundaries and consent.”
Love and respect, always – and the rest will cum come.