By Sarah Wilde

Greetings from Modern Sex Life! I'm Sarah, and I'm thrilled to be a guest on this platform, exploring topics that are close to my heart and essential for cultivating healthy, fulfilling relationships. Today, alongside my partner Brad, we're initiating a conversation that often creates tension within a relationship: the role of sex toys in the bedroom. Our goal is to inspire couples to approach this subject with open-mindedness, enhancing pleasure, and enriching connection in their relationships.


Many women desire to introduce toys into the bedroom to elevate their sexual experiences, enhance their pleasure, and deepen their connection with their partners. However, they often encounter resistance from their male partners, who may feel offended or skeptical about incorporating toys into their intimate encounters. This resistance can lead to feelings of frustration, misunderstanding, and even resentment within the relationship. Without addressing the underlying concerns, the lack of communication, and understanding can create a barrier to intimacy and hinder the couple's ability to fully expand their sexual connection. It's essential to recognize that sexual fitness and maturation are processes that evolve over time, influencing our willingness, or lack thereof, to learn and grow together. Sometimes, our resistance to something surpasses our personal experience with it.

The solution lies in shifting mindsets, dispelling myths, and addressing insecurities surrounding the use of toys in the bedroom. By releasing judgment, communicating with empathy, and educating themselves, couples can create a supportive environment where both partners feel valued, desired, and respected. Through this journey, couples can undergo a beautiful transformation in their relationship.

Her Perspective

Let's address a common challenge in intimate relationships- the time it takes a woman to get turned on, along with the orgasm gap. Research indicates that women, on average, require 15-20 minutes of stimulation to reach arousal, roughly three times the required time compared to men. Our bodies require more time and varied stimulation to reach full arousal, which can sometimes leave us feeling frustrated or misunderstood. Addressing this gap is crucial for both partners, as it impacts the overall sexual experience. Introducing toys into the bedroom can serve as a valuable solution. Whether it's a vibrator for clitoral stimulation or a dildo for internal pleasure, toys offer additional sensations that can enhance arousal and pleasure, ultimately leading to a more satisfying sexual experience for both partners.

Furthermore, let's explore the benefits of self-pleasure in a relationship. There is often a fear that incorporating toys for self-pleasure may create a disconnect, rather than an opportunity to optimize pleasure in our sex lives.  While the orgasm gap highlights the differences in arousal time between men and women, self-pleasure offers a unique opportunity for individuals to explore their own bodies, fantasizes, and pleasure points. By engaging in solo sex, women gain a deeper understanding of what brings them pleasure, ultimately enhancing their sexual experiences within the context of their relationship.

Self-pleasure is not merely about physical release; it's an opportunity of discovery, expression, creativity, and empowerment. This self-awareness not only strengthens our individual sexual experiences but also enriches our connection with our partners. Establishing self-pleasure as the baseline for understanding one’s body and seeing sex as a skill to be mastered, we increase our ability to communicate our pleasure to our partners.  By confidently communicating our needs and desires, we invite our partners into exploration and pleasure, strengthening the bond between us.

For me, taking ownership of my own pleasure and exploring my body on my own created empowerment and confidence. I learned what felt pleasurable and could guide Brad to my pleasure. Self-pleasure is where I discovered the sound of my own orgasmic release, unlocking my imagination to fantasies that turned me on. This in no way detracted from our sexual connection; in fact, it added to our sexual intimacy.

Contrary to common misconceptions, incorporating toys into the bedroom is not about replacing our partners; it's about enhancing our shared experiences and deepening our connection. Exploring toys together can add spice, encourage open communication, and mutual pleasure within our sex life. Toys provide unique sensations that cannot be experienced otherwise. By prioritizing pleasure and exploration, couples demonstrate a willingness to embrace new sensations and fantasies. This shared experience creates connection, as we vulnerably communicate our desires and work together to create pleasure. Therefore, embracing a mindset of curiosity and openness can assist in creating deeper connection and a more fulfilling sexual experience for both partners.

His Perspective

Hello! I'm Brad, co-founder of ModernSexLife, and passionate lover and partner to Sarah. Now that we've explored the desires and benefits of adding toys to the bedroom from a woman's perspective, let’s shift our focus to the male partner.

For some men, discussions about integrating sex toys into their sexual experiences can evoke a range of emotions. This is entirely normal and valid. Our goal is to meet you where you are and understand your "why" behind these topics. A significant shift in sexual fitness and emotional intelligence occurs when couples approach sexual activity from an ‘opt-in’ rather than an ‘opt-out’ perspective. Often, there's an underlying story or insecurity holding men back from what is new or unknown elements within their relationship. It's crucial to recognize that change is part of our humanity. Intimacy and trust within a relationship are journeys of maturation, requiring growth. And with growth comes change. Therefore, our first priority is accepting where we are so we can identify what we want. It’s not about how things look – it’s about how you choose to look at things. Perspective is everything.

As men, we desire to provide peak pleasure and cosmic-like climax for our partner. This is indeed a worthy cause. However, when our "why" is driven by ego, the outcome may not be as intended. Instead, we may create the expectation that we should be able to get her there all on our own. And when our partner suggests otherwise, it can trigger insecurities hidden within an inflated ego. This is often the focal point of our coaching for men. As men, understanding the origins of our triggers or resistance allows us to gain insight into our priorities. For instance, if you're operating from your ego, you might be prioritizing yourself over the pleasure of both you and your partner. Recognizing the root of your triggers is crucial for creating a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship. If feelings of inadequacy arise when discussing the use of toys, view it as an opportunity to reframe your objective. Change how you are choosing to look at things. By consciously choosing deeper connection and intimacy, acknowledging and addressing these triggers allows us to shift the focus towards mutual pleasure. Adding toys is not a shot at your ego, it’s a shot at optimizing for her pleasure.

When we strive to understand our partner's desires, we can align towards a shared goal of pleasure within our relationship. By taking radical responsibility, we, as men, can shift our mindset away from ego and learn to prioritize our partner’s pleasure, creating an environment of trust, openness, and exploration.

Sex for the sake of pleasure is a love language. The evolution of sexual intimacy within a relationship is a dynamic process that demands continual growth and understanding. As couples navigate their sexual journey together, the focus should shift towards prioritizing both partners' pleasure and satisfaction. Recognizing that the additional time women may need for arousal isn't a reflection of your performance but an opportunity to prioritize mutual pleasure. Incorporating toys can be an incredible way of spicing up your sex life. If your partner shares a desire with you, view it as an opportunity to learn about her and her pleasure. Turn it into a date night. Go pick out the toys together. By embracing this mindset, couples can cultivate a sense of partnership and collaboration, where each partner's needs are valued and respected.

When you do introduce toys into your bedroom- get curious! Let her lead. In fact, ask if you can watch. Again, your goal is to learn and understand her pleasure. In certain sex toy marketing, there's often an emphasis on independence, conveying the message of not needing a man. While this perspective can be empowering for some, it's important to recognize that sex toys aren't intended to replace the physical and emotional connection with a partner. Instead, they serve as tools for exploring pleasure and enhancing intimacy. There's a stigma surrounding women's self-pleasure, perpetuating the idea that it's taboo or wrong. However, I encourage men to shift their mindset on this matter. Encouraging your female partner to explore her body and pleasure on her own can lead to a deeper understanding of her desires. By getting curious about her and what she's learned, you can actively participate in heightening her pleasure and optimizing your sexual experiences together.

When Sarah and I added toys to the bedroom, we prioritized each other's pleasure. This added new layers of trust and safety, along with a deeper sense of connection. We were choosing to prioritize each other, opting for pleasure without the co-dependency of “I must be the sole means to your satisfaction.”

Incorporating toys into your intimate encounters provides an opportunity to explore new sensations and fantasies together, deepening your connection and enhancing mutual satisfaction. Cultivating a mindset of curiosity and openness allows for growth and exploration within the relationship, leading to a more fulfilling and intimate connection. Remember, the goal isn't perfection but rather a shared journey of exploration and discovery. Men, I believe in you. Trust that by prioritizing her pleasure, you're unlocking a whole new realm of your own desires and satisfaction.

Initiating conversations about pleasure can transform relationships. Incorporating toys into the bedroom enhances connection, deepens intimacy, and elevates pleasure for both partners. Here is a simple approach to how you and your partner can open up to discussions about adding toys and other new experiences to your sex life.

Choose the right time and place. Before initiating a conversation, ensure your partner is available and choose a relaxed setting free from distractions. Avoid discussing sensitive topics during times of stress. Select moments when both partners are receptive and open to communication.

Start with curiosity. Approach the conversation with genuine curiosity and openness, expressing interest in exploring new sexual experiences together. Foster a non-judgmental atmosphere where both partners feel safe to share desires and fantasies, focusing on mutual exploration rather than predetermined outcomes.

Share your perspective. Be honest and transparent about your thoughts and feelings regarding the use of toys in your intimate encounters. Emphasize your commitment to mutual pleasure and connection, and encourage your partner to do the same. Foster trust and vulnerability by listening attentively and validating each other's feelings.

Listen actively. Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention and demonstrating empathy. Avoid interrupting or formulating responses while your partner is speaking. Reflect back what you've heard to ensure clarity and demonstrate your attentiveness.

Explore together. Collaborate in brainstorming ideas and openly share fantasies, desires, and boundaries. Be receptive to your partner's suggestions and preferences, demonstrating a willingness to explore and experiment together. Prioritize communication and mutual consent throughout the process.

Temper Expectations. Recognize that navigating discussions about sexual preferences and incorporating new experiences into your intimate relationship is an ongoing process. Understand that it may take multiple conversations and iterations before both partners feel fully comfortable and ready to explore new experiences. Be patient and understanding with each other, allowing space for growth and mutual understanding.

Reflecting on the role of sex toys in the bedroom, we've discovered that embracing these tools is not just about enhancing pleasure, but also about deepening our connection and understanding within our relationships. Just as we encouraged couples to approach this topic with an open mind and a willingness to try new experiences, we now see how this mindset cultivates mutual discovery and intimacy. By prioritizing pleasure and communication, we empower ourselves to navigate this journey together, enriching every aspect of our relationship. Moreover, the shared experience of exploring toys fosters a sense of teamwork and partnership within the relationship. By prioritizing pleasure, couples demonstrate a mutual commitment to each other's well-being and happiness. This shared focus on pleasure creates a positive feedback loop, as partners feel valued, appreciated, and understood, leading to increased intimacy and satisfaction in all aspects of the relationship.

For further information or personalized relationship coaching, please visit our website at We would love to help provide guidance and support to enhance your sexual experiences and deepen your connection between you and your partner.

April 09, 2024