There are few things in life that have universal appeal. Thanks to a number of factors – from religion to personal values, geographic location and socio-economic status – human beings, as a whole, find it difficult to agree on anything.
However, there is one thing that we can agree on – and it’s that orgasms are fucking awesome.
At their best, orgasms are powerful and mind blowing. The allure can be so strong that often, over time, we start to think of sex as a race to the finish line with an orgasm being the prize waiting for us at the end. The problem with this approach? You’re missing the point of sex itself. By focusing so intently on the pursuit of an orgasm, you skip over the connection, intimacy and love that happens in between.
For Juliet Allen, leading Australian sexologist and founder of Yinn™, it’s a story that comes up time and time again amongst her clients and listeners of The Authentic Sex Podcast. Sometimes, a lack of connection can show up as sex that feels boring; other times, it can show up as ‘empty’ orgasms that feel transactional.
By reframing the way you view sex, orgasms and intimacy, you can reinvigorate your sex life. Better still, you can start having the kind of sex turns your life upside down or even brings you to tears.
Start by creating an emotional environment where both parties feel safe to be vulnerable and show up in their entirety; this will require open, honest conversations and adoring appreciation of all that your partner is. For some, exposing themselves to this level of intimacy won’t be easy. “When there’s a powerful connection, we can feel like we are quite vulnerable,” explains Allen on Episode 109 of The Authentic Sex Podcast, “[and] there can be a fear of abandonment or rejection.” It’s important to hold space for how both you and your partner are feeling to ensure it doesn’t prevent you from getting closer.
Once you’ve worked through any blockages, set time aside as one on one time – just you and your partner. Put your phone away and take each other in; offer your full attention.
While tempting, resist playing the blame game. It is not your partner’s fault that the intimacy in your relationship dwindled. Take responsibility for what’s lacking in your relationship and commit to working on it.
When you stop having sex and start making love, that’s where the real magic begins.