Naming Your Desires
Naming your wants and desires is hot, not to mention empowering!
For many reasons, we can find ourselves not really speaking up about what we truly want.
This can leave us with a general feeling of dissatisfaction with sex & intimacy.
You might know that you really love firm touch and neck kisses.
You might know that you love the way your lover looks from a certain position.
You might know that you want to try that kink that has always intrigued you.
And life is just simply too short to wait, hoping that your lover will spontaneously start doing the things that turn you on.
The best sex happens when you ask for what you want.
And while movies, porn and popular culture might have you believing that the most amazing sex just happens, I’m here to tell you that the most mind blowing sex usually happens when there are 3 things involved:
Chemistry
Communication
Curiosity
Chemistry is a felt experience.
Curiosity is something we naturally have as human beings.
Communication is the part that we need to actively practice.
And asking for what you want and desire gets easier.
The more you practice, the more normal it feels.
Yea sure, sometimes it can feel awkward. It can even make us feel anxious at times.
But I’d like to remind you that every single person has probably felt the same way you do
about this, at some stage.
Sure, there is a possibility that your lover isn’t going to be open to trying what you have suggested, but that does not mean that you should hold back from expressing yourself.
There is a very high chance that when you ask for what you want, the sex is going to become absolutely incredible.
AND your lover might actually feel really good about you feeling comfortable enough to express your needs and desires with them in your sexually intimate space.
Where To Start
A great way to start practicing Asking For What You Want is to spend some time reflecting on what your sexual desires are.
Put aside some time to journal about it, or voice memo if you like.
Ask yourself the following questions and pop your answers down.
What turns me on most?
How do I like to be touched by a lover?
What does amazing sex look like for me?
(positions, dirty talk, toys, kinks ect!)
What things do I want to explore and try?
Get a little more clear on what exactly it is that you want to do, this is going to make you feel more confident about your desires.
How To ACTUALLY Communicate What You Want
One of the most simple ways to express desires is to let your lover know what you like.
If they have already done something that you enjoy before, let them know.
It can be as simple as…
‘I love it when you touch me like this’
‘I am so turned on when we are in this position, it’s definitely my favourite'
Reinforcing what you do love, is important.
Asking to introduce something new can feel daunting, but it can also be playful and hot as fuck!
This might sound like…
‘I would love to try ____with you’
‘So I have something that I am super curious about and would love to try, can I tell you about
it’
‘I’ve been thinking about this for a while, it’s something that I am super interested in trying,
would you be open to exploring this with me?’
In the heat of the moment, it can also be fun to spontaneously suggest something you want.
While it is important to respect your lover if they are not open to the suggestion, it’s also very important to express your needs and desires.
If you and your lover have great communication, openness and respect for one another, asking for what you want will only deepen your connection and improve the sex you are having.
This can look like directly saying…
‘I want you to touch me like this’
‘I want to do —x— with you’
‘Do you want to know what really turns me on?’
‘Are you open to trying —x— right now?’
Remember: We all have wants and desires!
These are just some of the ways you can start expressing your desires, needs and
curiosities.
As sexual beings, we should all have the opportunity to live delicious, orgasmic lives.
Being able to explore our sexual needs with curiosity and without judgement is a fundamental human right.
So next time you are with your lover, remember that you deserve to explore all of your sexual desires, no matter how wild they may be.
You can even have a go at practicing out loud or with a friend, which can be super fun and silly.
Being able to say it out loud is the first step.
I promise your confidence is going to grow and you will see your sex life open up into the space you have always craved.
With love,
Annalise Webster