Why you can’t “just switch on” for sex and the power of transition rituals

By Isiah McKimmie

I’m often asked by women how they can just switch off and be in the mood for sex at the end of a long day.

They’ll say things like, “I love my partner, but my mind won’t slow down,” or “I want to want sex, but my body doesn’t.”

As a sexologist, I want to say: “you usually can’t just switch on”.

Throughout the day, we move quickly from work to responsibility to screens to problem-solving. We’re organising, managing, thinking, responding. By the time evening arrives, many bodies are still in a state of alert.

From a nervous system perspective, that means we’re often in fight or flight.

Sexual desire doesn’t tend to show up when the body is still in fight-or-flight. It’s far more likely to emerge once the nervous system has shifted into rest and digest, what I sometimes call feed and fornicate.

Some people describe this as moving from masculine to feminine energy. I prefer to describe it as calming the nervous system enough for pleasure to become possible.

This is where transition rituals help

Transition rituals help your nervous system shift gears in a way that works for you. They support desire to arise and for your body to be open to pleasure. 

Importantly, not everyone needs the same kind of transition.

That’s where understanding your Pleasure Signature becomes powerful.

Each Pleasure Signature responds to a different kind of cue.

Here’s how transition rituals can look for different Pleasure Signatures..

For the Sensualist: slow the body down

Sensualists need to feel relaxed, grounded, and physically at ease before desire shows up.

Helpful transition rituals might include:

  • A warm shower or bath

  • Slow, nourishing touch

  • Massage, oil, or skin-to-skin contact

  • Soft lighting and fewer distractions

For the Adventurer: wake things up

Adventurers respond to novelty, energy, and a sense of something different.

Helpful transitions might look like:

  • Changing the usual setting or timing

  • Introducing something playful or unexpected

  • Music, movement, or a shift in pace

  • Treating intimacy as an experience, not a routine

For the Romantic: create emotional closeness

Romantics tend to need emotional connection before sexual desire feels accessible.

Supportive transition rituals include:

  • Uninterrupted conversation

  • Eye contact, affection, or gentle reassurance

  • Feeling chosen, desired, or prioritised

  • Slowing down together before anything physical begins

For the Power Player: choose your edge

Power Players tend to come alive when there’s a sense of intention, presence, and edge, whether that means stepping into control or consciously letting go of it.

Helpful transition rituals might include:

  • Dressing or undressing with intention- for yourself or for your partner

  • Being given a command that lets you know you can let go

  • Having the other person take charge of logistics while you prepare


For the Giver: make pleasure visible

Givers often transition into desire when there’s a clear sense that their partner is present, responsive, and open to receiving. What helps isn’t stepping away from attunement- it’s having their attunement met.

Helpful transition rituals might include:

  • A partner slowing down enough to be receptive and expressive

  • Clear signals that their touch, attention, or presence is wantesd

  • Eye contact, breath, sound, or movement that makes pleasure noticeable